Last night we had another epic battle between the Snow-Knights of sales and Dark-Siders of non-sales in a no-holds barred 5-a-side skirmish. The team sheets are at the bottom of this factually accurate report.

Soccer

I'll admit the Knights were nervous before this match. The Dark ones had finally gotten their full strength team together and were talking the 'Big Game'. After the last encounter where they chased us down in the last minutes to gain an extremely unlikely Draw in Fergie time, we were thinking this was going to be a tough ask. We were down on numbers, trialling new blood, and I was suffering from the next worse level of flu after Ebola.

It started in ominous style. The Dark ones asked the match official, The Oracle, if it was start time and The Oracle replied it was 7.30. They took this a signal to kick off and while the Knights were still wandering on, Goal Hanger took a long range snap from the kick off which rebounded off the legs of Two Guns while he was pulling up his socks and ricocheted straight into the goal as our Keeper, Big Cat, walked on the pitch. To our surprise they claimed the goal and because of who did the scoring, it was begrudgingly accepted by our mystified shoulder shrugging team. 1-0

The Knights were in disarray, scrambling and bemused after experiencing the shock tactics of the Dark ones blitzkrieg. Within 2 minutes they were through on goal again and snapped in the second goal. 2-0

It was time for the big players to step forward and stop the rot. Big Cat threw the ball out to Calway who did the best thing he could and passed it to me. After ghosting past Ricky Ibiza down the right wing it was an easy inside swerve to beat Emile Box and slot the sweetest goal off the far post past Chopper on the line. 2-1

This was the kick start the Knights had waited for and Two Guns struck again straight away from a route one move that caught out the now reeling Dark Siders. 2-2

Then came the heart breaker. Gator came off the bench and bumbled around down the right wing. Through a miracle of strange rebounds, ricochets and airswings, Gator nutmegged himself and the defence, did a double flounder reverse miss kick and fortuitously scored the most improbable goal in the history of these challenges. 2-3

For the next 20 minutes we exchanged goals back and forward but the Knights kept the advantage and when the Oracle said it was 8 minutes to go we were comfortable at 5-8.

And then the bubble burst. The lungs on the Knights gave up and the Dark ones got stronger. Up until now the Big Cat had been magnificent and stopped about a million shots on goal and Greedy was only shooting from 25m and was more likely to hit the side walls than the goal. This changed when Goal Hanger pulled off a fluke almost as improbable as Gator's that bobbled, floated and looped over the Cat. They went on a run, surely thinking that it was their turn to finish strong just like last time. They quickly scored 2 more corkers. 7-8

6 minutes to go. Panic time – no way – it was hammer time! The muscle of the Knights started to show. El Toro and the Butcher used their silky Rugby skills and put the softer Dark ones to the figurative sword. In quick succession, Leki (in Jeans) went flying with a Klinsmannesque 'triple salto', Chopper took a nasty tumble after Calway chopped him down from behind, Boxy had his shins raked by my new blades, Goal Hanger was given an up close and personal introduction to the wall, Greedy got hip and shouldered into obscurity and returned to long range shooting, Shane MacGowan got barged unceremoniously to the ground in the process of striking for goal causing him to leave the pitch, and the Man of Steel was elbowed in the throat in a vicious fend that the match officials unfortunately missed J.

In the last 2 minutes the Knights turned it right up past red poker hot into über-white-star scorching hot, laying on 4 more goals for the strong finishing Two Guns. 8-12

At full-time the Dark Siders went into a frenzy of rage claiming that we had denied them their Fergie time for the expected come back and possible draw. As we walked off the pitch to tumultuous appreciation from the watching crowd they were still shooting for Goals and the inevitable Drogba-like sulk ensued when we refused to be drawn into the 'classic' last goal wins scenario that Silver medallists always trot out in vain hope.

Congratulations Snow-Knights, you and thank you for a good and fair game Dark-Siders.

A big thank you to the Match official, Thomas 'The Oracle' Moulton

Snow Knights Goals Awards
'Butcher' AJ Cpt 1 4 yellow cards and most vital goal
'El Toro' Christian 0 MotM
'Gator' Ade 1 Most unlikely goal ever
'Malkovich' Nigel 0 A no-show
'Calway' Adam 0 yellow cards
'Big Cat' Matt 0 MotM (as well) and 4 assists
'Two Guns' Tommy 10 Golden Boot
Dark-Siders Goals Awards
'Emile' Boxy Cpt 0 Best best non-scoring striker
'Goal Hanger' Downs 2+1 miracle Best fluke
'Greedy' Sean 2 Worst shooter!
'Jeans' Leke 0 Best 'If looks could kill' after being taken out and dirtying his jeans
'Man of Steel' Richard 1 Best dramatisation of a throat shot
'Ricky Ibiza' 0 Biggest shorts
'Comatose' Campbell 0 Best impression of being awake
'Chopper' Mills 2 1 yellow for diving
'Shane MacGowan' Will 0 Most likely to go down ;)

By Adam Johnson